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I am tired of being the best friend…

Come on, let us be honest. We are used to listening to our friends a lot more often than we are used to share our own experience with them. And let it say loudly – our friends (in most cases) contact us when they had a  fight with their boyfriends and normally except for there is nobody else to listen. So what are we? The Emergency call? 112? No thank you, I don’t want to be like that anymore.

  • I have my own problems (as Allie said “The biggest problems in the world are mines, because they ARE MINES!!) I don’t want after another exhaustive day in the clinic (I have told you that I am a Medical student), where I found people with real problems trust me, I know what I am saying, to listen about some stupid argue about the toothpaste or the toilet.
  • But as always I am too polite and I just stand and listen, listen, listen – 2-3 hours-as long it takes, because after all this is my friend. And the result – after that I am so wasted that I argue myself with my boyfriend (because the small amount of energy was taken by my friend) and here I am, this time on the side, complaining. But however weird it sounds, I am not. I close in my room and I cry. I don’t want to be energy vampire as my friend.      
  •  But why it is so hard for them to do the same? I am sure a lot pf people have asked this question to themselves as well.
  • Here is my interpretation – they are just different kind of people – emotional (like me) and not so. The second group is OK to listen because in most of the time, it is not paying attention to the essence of the conversation, thus   not wasting energy. So that is why for them it is not a problem to complain because they think that the rest are like them. Here is the difference, though. The rest is not. They are emotional and vulnerable. And they may be hurt even by someone’s story. So what is the key of salvation? I want to give some clever advice, but I can’t. I have tried several time to analyze all and so on (as a future Doctor I am very good at that) but the key hasn’t jump yet in my mind. So, I am waiting for it……Give it to me…..
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Posted by on October 6, 2011 in My ordinary life

 
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I bruise easily

This lyric sounds familiar? Feeling like the song is written for you? Listening it every time when once again you are hurt – no matter if by your boyfriend, parents, closed friend or just a stranger in the subway? Yes, this is me and thousands others. So when I am writing this, at least I am sure that I am not alone and somewhere there, somebody will read this and will think the same as me.

  • Being so many times hurt, that sometime I don’t know if there is some intact part of me. But then the dawn is coming, I am greeting the Sun and miraculously I have little bit energy to endure the day. However, at noon, I am already pissed off by everyday stuff, again you soul is crying and waiting for the new day to come. I am so hurt by the lack of emotions. There is nothing except for the grey everyday, with the usual stuffs, even the problems are similar.
  • In my “free time” I change studying Medical subjects with studying German. After so much studying what is the result – horrible. I am not satisfied with me medical education, I am desperate with my German ( I need it in order to increase my chances of further professional realization), so I am a disaster!! My self-esteem is ZERO!! And what is more, I am terrified that I will not have any future. I am studying so hart in order to be a Doctor after all. So everything to go in vain – honestly this thought makes me freak out.
  • Moreover, I do not have time to make something for my soul, like going out with friends or spending a night with my  boyfriend. I have only time to eat a bar of chocolate, and this is all the happy      moments in my day. Saying it loudly makes me feel so much more pathetic. But what I am most terrified about is the discoloration of my soul.  Before it used to be yellow and green. Now is grey. But I do not have crayons to make it colored  again. And with every day left, it is grayer. I am afraid that at the end it will be transparent. And there is nothing worse than a man without a soul… But how can I stop this horrible process? I hate being a pessimist and complaining. That’s why I do not talk about my problems with other people, and this makes me feels like a stranger among my closed ones. Someone will advise me – do what you want, quit all activities that make you miserable. I can’t!! I am too stubborn and I just cannot quit something that I have already begun.  So then I suppose that the only thing is the hope – the hope that the Dawn is coming…
 
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Posted by on October 5, 2011 in My ordinary life